Oh SHOOT! I just realized that today was almost over, and I haven’t done a blog post yet!
AHHHH THE HORROR!
I kid, I kid. Shouldn’t be that bad.
So I have to make this post quick guys! And since today’s Saturday… (okay end of Saturday)… that means its…
Truths Never Told Yet. Saturday!
Again, never covered this topic yet, so here’s how it goes. On these Saturdays, I will confess… to the best of my abilities, a truth I don’t tell about myself.. It doesn’t have to be anything major, but it can be.
Okay? Simple? Good!
There once was a time that I could say that I was genuinely interested in being best friends with a guy. I haven’t had a male best friend in such a long time… I actually forgot what it feels like, you know, to have a male friend who I can just be a guy around. It changed over the years especially when you realize who you fall in love with.
You see… one dayI was thinking about a guy I was friends with… and I suddenly had a thought of me kissing the guy. When your in Middle School, and you think like that, and seeing how that you were taught over the years to NOT think like that… it should scare you. Hell, it frightened me. I knew I was strange, I knew I was weird, I’ve been told that by my friends all through the years. But to suddenly be attracted to a guy, who I saw was a close friend. I didn’t know what to do. I would have these thoughts alot, and I didn’t want them.
I didn’t want to fall in love with my best friend. I didn’t want to be shunned by him, or be ridiculed by him. I wanted to at least stay friends. But as long as I had feelings for the guy… I couldn’t.
This is when my worst habit in the social world came to be. One day, I was fed up with these feelings. I couldn’t bear it, I just couldn’t. I didn’t want to see a potential bad future in my life come true, so what do I do… I intentionally caused a future I thought I could handle. I pushed the guy away, I slowly but surely found ways to make the guy distance himself from me.
I didn’t want to do it… but I saw it as the only way. So throughout Middle School, I sabotaged our relationship, not in a big way… but in a way that would make him forget I existed. How does that feel better than being rejected… I don’t know. But it seemed better at the time.
When he would ask to sit next to me, I told him someone was already sitting there every time. I slowly stopped talking to him every day. Days and nights we spent talking on the internet, or even in class stopped happening… we slowly stopped communicating every day. I feel bad about it… I still do. There are times when I think, what would have happened if I still stayed friends with the guy. I didn’t end our relationship abruptly… I just… let it died.
Ever since that happened… I saw it happen again. I found myself falling for guy friends that I become close with. I see it, and every time I see it start happening, I panic. I don’t want to feel like I’m in love with my best friend. I don’t! It makes me feel… I dunno, like I’ve crossed a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Hell, even people who have opposite gender best friends, feel like that line shouldn’t be crossed. So what was I supposed to feel, when I’m falling in love with my best friend, who is the same gender as me. It made me feel like crap. Like dirt… Like filth.
So I do the process again. Every time. I can’t let a guy be that close to me. I just can’t. I deliberately push guys away, the process is different, but I manage to do it. every time. Sometimes in that process, I get hurt. But I tell myself, I can handle this… at least better than being flat out told that I was disgusting, or gross, or nothing at all.
I haven’t been close to any guy in my life since I was a freshmen in High School. If I’m friends with a guy… I don’t tell anything that goes in my mind to them. Sharing my personal stuff with them… that’s bad!
There has been times, I do let guys who try to get close, get closer… but then once I see that they have the potential to hurt me. That they could be just lying… that they could just be trying to be a friend, so they could turn it around… I ruin it. I don’t let the relationship grow anymore, and then, I let it go. At least I thought I did.
I mean, it may just be paranoia on my part. But remember in a past post, my fears aren’t groundless. When I did have guy friends who were also my best friend, I saw things happen like this. One of my former friends, had more than one close friend other than me. Then one day, the other best friend, started getting teased about knowing girls, or having girly things. And it wasn’t really that girly to begin with, just having a pink highlighter… or saying “like” alot. But one saw it as being girly. So he told some other guys in my class, and then one day, guys started picking on the other guy. Of course, the other guy didn’t seem to care. but I saw how other guys would talk behind his back, how they would make fun of him. How they would say nasty things about him. Just because the guy had a pink highlighter. Just because he had one girly trait.
I never joined in those ridicule sessions… I usually said nothing about the sort. The rumors did stop… but that was way after the 2 guys stopped being friends. But even though it didn’t really happen to me personally. I saw that it does happen. I was already sort of a outcast in school, I didn’t want to be even more of an outcast. People already made fun of my abnormally large head, they made fun of my name, they made fun of my height. I already had enough abnormalities to deal with… why add another to their arsenal of insults.
So… do you see? I really had no other choice. Even though I have friends who love me the way I am, even though I have a family who cares deeply about me, and wants me around… Just the thought that another guy, could be that hateful towards another, even if he knew the person before hand… that someone could backstab a person like that. I didn’t want to face that.
Frankly… I have only heard from girls, that know me really well, see me as a gay person. Most guys don’t question me, and those that ask if I have dated anyone, ask which GIRL it was.
What am I suppose to say… that I’m proud to be like this? I’m proud to be who I am to some degree, but…I don’t know how I feel about this. Because I am this way… I can’t possibly get close to another guy, I can’t see it happening. Maybe because I haven’t been shown that it wouldn’t end like that… or maybe because I don’t trust someone enough to not let that happen. My trust over the years, has gotten broken ever so often, especially from males who I was acquainted to or friends with. What else am I suppose to think.
I’m not saying being Gay is wrong, I’m not saying being a Homosexual is immoral or anything, I’m just saying this. I didn’t want to be this way. It angers me when people say that being Gay was a choice, It isn’t a freaking choice. I would never in a million years, DELIBERATELY choose to be a target of someones hate. Just like I how I didn’t choose to be born with a large cranium. or how I didn’t choose my name, I didn’t wake up one day, and just started to think: “Oh hey, I like guys now, and I want to be with them SOOOOO much.” No! Anyone who tells you otherwise, doesn’t know what their talking about, or is lying to themselves.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go off like that. That’s just what happens sometimes when I think about this.
Anyways… yeah, I ruin friendship I have with males… eventually. And until another Male PROVES me otherwise… that I have no reason to feel like this, I will continue doing this routine… I rather be hurt from myself, then be hurt from other people, or at least from other people who I thought I could trust.
Phew, that’s it.. Sorry for the way it ended. But that’s a truth about me. I don’t tell anyone how this pattern started, or why I do this, or even my mentality about this. So now you guys know. I hope you enjoyed reading… for this wasn’t that easy to write.
Tomorrows… Or actually today’s Sunday so the topics are:
Songs, Love, or Generic Rants.
Please tell me what should be the topic… Thanks!