anger, boiling point, deep, exception to the rule, family, friend, holding back, idiot, irrational thinking, life, masks, misguided, monday, mondays, moron, myself, patience, people, persona, random, rants, self worth, shallow, thought, truth, within
Ello folks! I was shocked yesterday while I was looking over my blog. I saw that the number of followers went up by alot. but I know that only 5 of those people are from WordPress technically. But still! It makes me smile to think of it like that.
Well since last Monday was about Memories, that means it can’t be about that type of topic today. So…. today is:
Boiling Point Much Monday!
These Mondays, well frankly they are about the things that get me irritated in life. They usually will be focused on any topic that made me angry at one point. So if you read it as pissed off, you would know why.
There are many things in life that piss people off. I am no exception to the rule, but I generally keep things under control for the most part. Well, no that’s a lie, I let my anger build up most of the time, and then one day, unless I resolved it earlier, I will explode with a fury of yelling and cynical-ness. For the most part though, it never gets to that point. I don’t remember the last time I was really, fully, enraged about anything. I don’t mean angry though, because everyone can get angry, and I don’t mean mad either, because being mad is more mild form of angry. I mean flat out enraged!
When I’m at that point, I have no control over what I say or do. I start with the irrational thinking, and everything that happens seems like a blur of actions. Generally at that point, if you do manage to get me that mad, I will end up saying something way out of line, out of character, and it proceeds with a regrettable action.
However, immediately after that moment happens, I cool down within 3 minutes, because I start realizing what I did or said. I know no amount of apologizing would ever make it right, and I see the relationship I had with the person forever changed. It could never be the same as it was before it got to that point.
As far as I know, there are about 25 things that could get me to beyond boiling point. The list may actually be larger and it does grow over time. These 25 things are what I have gotten angry about so far in life.
I’m going to share only one of them today.
When there are people who constantly try to push my buttons, those who try to test my patience with things… these are the mildest cases of my anger building up. I’ve been friends with people who have done this to me. I know that these people make me angry with what they do, and that they purposely do that. It’s like they know that if they say things that make me argue or force me to defend my opinion, just for the sake of making me look bad or stupid, it will get me riled up. I don’t see how me looking flustered or foolish looks funny at all. People say it looks adorable, or that I look silly when I do that. I despise that though.
I mean, yeah I understand that some people like to see my reactions to things, and there are people who love what I say because it’s just so stupid sounding that it’s funny. But I’m not some person that takes it lightly. Maybe I take things too personally, but I hate being exposed for my lack of diction and correctness. Perhaps I need to lighten up, but I don’t see why I should be the butt of everyone’s jokes. What did I do to be put in that place?
Is it because I always sound like I don’t know what I’m talking about? Is it because of the faces I make? Do people think I’m not knowledgeable at all. I know over the years people called me stupid, and I know people think I’m an idiot. It’s obvious what people mean when they say I “live” under rock. Honestly, I hate it. Sure, I even joke about how much under a rock I live, but I get a drop of more anger build up every time people AGREE with me. I only said it to get you guys to understand what I know about my knowledge, you don’t have to elaborate or chide in with more examples of it.
Honestly, I don’t know why this gets me so angry. I used to be the kid that everyone went to find out how to do things. But when I was like that, I was a smart-ass, or in elementary school, a smartypants. I realized that people found that as something to make fun of. As a result, I pretended to act stupider, and I’ve been doing that stupid act so long, I’m actually an idiot now. I say things out of habit, even though I know what’s going half the time. It’s so STUPID! What do people want from me! Do people want me to be a know-it-all, or do people want me to be naive, innocent sounding, or just an idiot?
You’re probably wondering, why don’t I just find a balance? It’s not that simple, When I was actually somewhat an intellectual sounding person, I knew of times where people would get upset or hurt at what I said. When I’m stupid, people just get annoyed or laugh at my idiotic ramblings. And since I’ve been acting like an idiot for 10 years, it’s become so second nature, so habitual… that it’s my first response.
There are times where I try to sound like I know what I’m talking about, but because people see me now as the idiot, or dumb one if you will… I get turned away, brushed off. And when I am right about something, they blame me for not saying anything earlier. Especially since they always find out that I knew about it before hand. Of course, I’m not always right, but when I’m not, people rub it in my face. They show with pride that they were right, that I DON’T know what I’m talking about. So what do you want me to do about this? How am I suppose to feel about myself? Do you want me to be a knowledgeable person, or do you want me to be the naive idiot everyone loves?
Seriously! It’s frustrating! The thing that angers me the most is that even if I try being myself, or being what seems normal in my eyes, I get brushed aside, I’m not taken seriously, or people say “Why are you acting like that, it’s not like you?” What do you people know about who I am really? You have no idea what goes on in my head! Or would you like to know? Would you want me to say that everyone around me is a total moron? That people are so selfish that they can’t even get their head out of their own thoughts to even see those around them hurting? That only people who seem to care about my well-being are girls? That people are always insensitive about anything that has no regards to themselves? I could say alot of these things. I could speak my mind about everything that happens in my life. About the people I know, that the friends I have, I could speak my mind.
But no… It would be out of line, it would be soooo unlike me. They will dismiss me as “he’s just having an off day.” He doesn’t really mean it. Something probably just pissed him off and he’s taking it out on us. Does it occur to anyone that most of the time I am angry about them! I largely believe that most of the people I know in life are just major idiots who can’t decide what they want from me. But that’s not right for me to say. I’m not giving enough credit where credit is due.
The only people I know who are know are genuine and “knowledgeable”, at least to me are:
- And my family members.
Not counting my family, there’s only 7 people I consider genuine people, in regards that they don’t mind what I say. But even then, I have a limit to what I can say in front of them. None of those people are male though. Not that I think that I’m the only male that knows things, I don’t even know much because I that’s what I portray, but I have yet to meet a guy that wasn’t related to me, who seems true to themselves.
Guys are more hidden about themselves. I do it too obviously. Maybe I’m being too cynical, but I have no reason to not feel this way. I don’t know. It’s just this topic always get’s me riled up… and I can’t help but feel this way.
Sigh, okay that’s enough of that. I feel like I ranted too much about this… and I was only suppose to mention one thing.
So what do you guys think about anger? What makes you angry, and do you think I’m reasonable in my thinking or rational of the whole thing? Please leave me a comment on what you think!
Thanks for reading, and enjoy your day!