After a long absence~ I am back!
Life basically kicked my buttox for the past few weeks. But I think I’m going to be okay to continue writing now. At least that’s what I’m going to keep telling myself over the next few months.
So to restart this blog on the right track, then I’m going with a theme for Sunday.
Which could it be?
Sorry folks, its another Lovely Love Talks Sunday. Except it has a twist this time.
The topic of love is broad enough… and this time the love is not with a another person.
I would gladly give up any ability of mine just to become the person I so wanted to grow up to be when I was younger. I had so many dreams for my future, and I used to be so hopeful.
But I know that isn’t possible anymore. What do I mean? Well I’m talking about my relationship with myself and the spiritual being known as God. When I was younger, I used to be very religious. I was considered a good Catholic at CCD, and I always made sure to follow the 10 commandments and to pray my prayers at least once everyday. I was a goody-two-shoes to the highest degree. I kinda still am. But besides that point. I thought I was pretty close to God when I was younger. I went to prayer groups. I even went to a religious retreat at one point. And I thought that spiritual fulfillment would have been enough for a child like me.
My parents raised me to be religious. As both of them were very devout followers of the Catholic faith, despite some alterations because we are Filipino. I wanted to be seen as a child of Faith. I used to be proud to be one of this religion.
However when I entered Middle School, things changed. I think you guys remember a story I mentioned about Middle School. That was the time I found out my Sexual Orientation. When I first found out my persuasion, I was really shocked, not only because of the way I found it out, but because that was the last thing I wanted to be in my life. I didn’t ask to be this way, and I would have never wanted it. Even today I either wish I was born a girl, or born heterosexual. Because I was still somewhat religious at that time, I became scared at what would happen to me. I remember learning in CCD that Gay people weren’t really smiled at in the Catholic faith. That they would be persecuted, rejected, and condemned to Hell should they expose or practice that way of life. Of course I would be scared.
I literally saw my love for God and my faith slowly disintegrate before my eyes. I started to ponder why did God let me be this way. I prayed, I followed the rules, I did everything I was suppose to do as part of my religion. Why, I started asking why. Why did I have to face this now? I didn’t ask for this… Which is why I wonder how people have the gall to say that this is a choice. Would I choose to let my dreams of having a traditional wedding, reception, and the ability to be with the one I love openly, just vanish like that? Those dreams seem way out of reach for me now.
As I got older, I started doubting that God did love me… and it didn’t help that people who didn’t know I was Gay would make fun of them, or reject them flat out while around me. People started using the ever popular misused Bible stories and verses around me. I started getting mad over time. People used the Scriptures as weapons to reject others. When in reality, the Catholic faith is supposed to be a loving and accepting religion. At least on the surface. Time flew by, and I gain more knowledge of my religion in High School. Let’s just say I was appalled and very disappointed in it.
I started losing love for my faith when I realized that my Religion wasn’t going to accept people like me any time soon. I still love God with all my heart, I know he exists and helps out the people I love. I still feel though, that I don’t have a place there yet. Maybe because I’m still not accepting of the whole thing myself, or that I don’t know what to think anymore. God is there, and I know he hasn’t forsaken me, at least I like to think that. But I still wonder, what is his plan for me? Why did he set up the trials of Depressions, Being Gay, and Slight Mental issues?
I can’t really pray traditionally anymore. It feels really fake and not real to me. I like praying with my words, and thanking God with my voice, in hopes that one day, he will help me find the answers I seek. But That day may not come anytime soon. As time goes on, my faith starts to diminish slowly but surely. I don’t want to believe that God has completely abandoned me. But sometimes… it does feel like it.
All I can really do, is hanging on till I find those answers, at least if they are out there. Until then, I’m going to have to struggle with my waning love for religion and myself.
Sorry if that wasn’t a traditional love topic or something like that.
It was more like a religious talk, but I do still love parts of it. Just it’s slowly fading.
Remember guys, Tomorrows Monday, The topics are:
– Media Madness Mondays
– Boiling Point Much Mondays
– Memory Meanderings Mondays.
Please leave me a comment on today’s subject, and Tell me what Monday you would like in that comment as well. Thanks for reading!